It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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