Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
