These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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