I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
