I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
