She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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