You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
