Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
