He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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