his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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