At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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