I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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