Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
