I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
