I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
