Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize