so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
