I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize