He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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