I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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