Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
