OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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