for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
