quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
This baby is an asshole
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
