No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
