I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize