Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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