Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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