Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
