Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
