so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize