I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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