i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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