Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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