Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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