This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
