You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
