halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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