Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
