so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
our cab driver is having phone sex.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize