I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
