the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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