So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I seem to have left my pride at pride
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Never joke about your clitoris.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
