you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize