My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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