i just made my gag reflex go away.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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