Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
