I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
