I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
