I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
