Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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