I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
