My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
