Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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