I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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