i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
