I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
