When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Come see our sink grown plant.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
