I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize