so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
