I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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