Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
