Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize