I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
